Pocahontas Would Be So Proud

Dear Snarky Mom:

My 4 year old is obsessed with Indians. The other day she heard my nephew say that Indians don't have facial hair. The next day, she snuck a pair of her grandfather's nose hair clippers and shaved off her eyebrows. She looks like a crazed alien. Help!

~ Mary Kay's Nightmare

Dear MKN:

First of all, repeat after me. Native Americans. Okay. Now, let's tackle problem #2. Your daughter is awesome. Her level of commitment to a goal is amazing, and it will take her far in life. Unless she keeps shaving off her eyebrows. Then people are going to avoid her and she won't get anywhere. Give her a long talk about NOT cutting hair of any kind on any thing, and that's about all you can do with her. Every little girl has had to hear that speech. I know because my Barbies never did grow their hair back. It sucked playing with Sinead O'Connor 'cause my parents were poor and Sinead wasn't cool yet. Try google-ing pictures of Pocahontas and show her that she indeed had eyebrows. That's what I have to do with my 3yo 'cause he must SEE it to believe it. You can't tell that kid nuth'n, as my grandmother would say. Problem #3. Your family is totally cramping your style. Tell them that they aren't allowed to speak unless they can make sure they aren't giving her any stupid ideas. Tell them that "little pitchers have big ears" or whatever folksy ass thing you gotta say in order to make sure they understand that kids will do stupid shit because they don't understand that facial hair is a big word for a beard. Problem #4. Tell Grandpa that, unless he wants his nose to look like Andy Rooney's eyebrows, he needs to keep his shit locked up. Kids are ingenious when figuring out how to break into things. Give him the "Mommy" look and tell him that it could have been his nitroglycerine pills she got ahold of and wouldn't it be so sad if you had to beat him with a shovel 'cause she got poisoned. And then take lots of pictures of your beautiful, eyebrowless angel. 'Cause she's awesome.

Photo: http://www.freewebs.com/thedisneyclassics/pocahontas4.jpg