America's Babysitter

Dear Snarky Mom:

My husband and I try very hard to give each other breaks from our 2 yo. The issue is that when my husband's turn comes, he chooses to just turn on the TV THE WHOLE TIME. I see it having an effect more and more as my son asks to watch TV all the time now instead of going outside, reading, playing, or craft time. I NEED my time alone so I don't want to tell my husband how to spend time with his son, but how do I get him to do something more productive or fun without getting in his face about it? ~Boob Tube in Brooklyn

Dear Boob:

This is an issue that we've dealt with in our house, too. Or at least it was until I started taking Xanax. Lucky for you, there are a couple of ways to deal with this issue. Unlucky for you, you are going to have to get the hell over something. Sometimes I would love my husband to be the male version of me, too, but then I realize that we would never have any food to eat or clean laundry. Did you know that there are some husbands that take absolutely no responsibility for their children at all? Yeah, I'm not sure why those wives are still putting out, either. I once knew a woman whose husband saw their child about 30 minutes a day at the breakfast table. I had to stop being friends with her 'cause I can't respect a woman whose husband sits in his man-cave all evening or has hobbies. That's dumb. Hobbies are things single men without children have. If he has that much time on his hands, he needs to get a second job so that he can buy me more diamonds . . . but I digress.

Men bond differently than women. Yeah, shock of all shocks. They bond by DOING and PARTICIPATING in things together. Apparently, to the male brain, watching TV is participating in something. So the question is, is he parking the tot in front of Spongebob while he works on his fantasy football team (or whatever men do on the internet that isn't related to porn 'cause if he's surfing for porn while watching your kid you got other problems)? Or is he rooting for the team? Determine this before deciding what you need to get over.

There was an article in a Parent's magazine about gatekeeper moms. I didn't read it 'cause it was really long, but the words in the big bubbles basically said that some moms are so controlling of their kids that even their husbands can't have a relationship without their interference. The dads get criticized for not being a dad in the right way and then they just give up and don't try. You run this risk if you start harping on him to be productive with his time. And then you get no personal time and end up beating your husband with a shovel and your neighbors have to deal with the horrible smell. No one wins. Your kid is going to beg to watch TV anyways. That's what they do. At least this way you're getting to wander Wal-Mart in your housecoat all by yourself.

If you decide that the TV time is a total deal breaker, I wouldn't suggest sitting him down for a discussion about it. That is totally the mature thing to do, and most husbands resent mature conversations. Or at least mine does. He says he always ends up with a list of more shit he needs to do. Here is what I do to give myself more time alone: While your husband is taking his post-work dump, promise your kid that Daddy will [insert productive task here] when he gets out of the john. Make sure your kid TOTALLY wants to do this thing. Hopefully, your husband will feel too guilty looking into his little pleading eyes to deny him. And then you get your bubble bath while you catch up on the Kardashians.

Photo: http://www.zazzle.com/daddy_needs_a_time_out_tshirt-235079704583466670