Dear Lady at 3 AM

Thanksgiving night, our TiVo ran out of lead time, and we were forced to watch commercials. I see that Toys R Us was going to open at midnight, and decided to go for both curiousity's sake and 'cause I'm broke.

After walking about a mile and standing out in the snowy coldness for an hour and a half, I finally made it into the store. I was able to find some sort of zen-ness and didn't beat a single person. I did ram a woman with my cart but, I claimed it was an accident, so it was all good. I selected my billion dollars worth of crap ('cause damned if my family isn't going to ask me to buy my son's presents for them at the last minute . . . a girl learns that she can either pick the shit out or deal with obnoxious toys . . . PS send your checks now 'cause I ain't floating ya'll for a month).

As I loaded up my crap into the car, a mother walks out with her son. Kid couldn't have been more than 5-6 years old. IT WAS 3-FRIGGIN-AM. She was chipper in the way that unstable people are chipper. He looked dead on his feet. I could've cried for the little guy.

Okay, mother of the year. Let's say that you didn't know that about a thousand billion people would show up. Let's also say that you didn't realize that it was going to be the coldest night of the year. What would possess you to bring your child to a MIDNIGHT SALE? Did you just buy your kid's Christmas presents in front of him? You didn't know anyone on the face of the planet that could let him sleep on the couch? At what point did making your child stand out in the FRIGGIN COLD for hours in the middle of the night seem like a great idea? Anyways, YOU SUCK. You should be glad I was too tired to make a scene, and didn't want your kid to know what an asshole you are.

(Oh, and I totally ripped off the picture. I live in a small town in the South, so we are too polite to push each other around. And there aren't this many people in the damn town.)

UPDATE! This is exactly this kind of shit I am talking about. Thank you, POW.

Top Photo: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhieDbuGODouw2ymErb-7kPJEP65arloC6A3yCRvdB_hxvoN33gocffimf7_Mw4Qpqtx6nzhl3jtY00hDyr7yETLneZ7gkgwi28JChlJL2veit-DC_zYBHH5suxV2OXhhjx1nmraqZL08P4/s400/A+BLACK+FRIDAY+CROWD.jpg

Update Photo: www.peopleofwalmart.com

Penises Are Totally Cool

Dear Snarky Mom: Why is my 5 year old son urinating so frequently?
When he uses the bathroom he goes back 2-3 minutes later sometimes. He doesn't have a infection because it's not red and it doesn't hurt. What can be the problem? ~ Melissa

Dear Melissa:
About the diagnosis of "he doesn't have an infection," um, did a doctor make that? If not, you need to take him to the pediatrician. Infections don't necessarily have outward systems or pain. Also, is your child thristy all the time? There are disease such as diabetes, kidney disease, etc. that can cause both increased thirst and issues with urination. Make an appointment right away.

If a doctor has reassured you that there is nothing physically wrong with him, then he's totally doing it because he loves his penis. My son loves his ALOT. He even goes around asking other people if they love their penises. This, of course, is embarrassing and why we have to talk so much about safety and privacy in this house. You need to let him know that there is nothing wrong with his body, and that if he feels the need to touch it (which he totally will want to do all the time and apparently it gets worse or so my husband tells me), then he needs to go to a private place by himself. Every mom needs to have this conversation with their children. No one touches your private parts. No one shows you or asks you to touch their private parts. Private parts only get out of your pants in private places. Its called safety planning. Do it.

Photo: http://img2.allposters.com/images/BLQ/MM59.jpg

Grandma Hates You, Son

I thought I would share this article with Worried in Arkansas. Her MIL totally hates her son. I told you.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/222472
Sharon Begley
An Evolutionary Edge
How grandmas may play favorites.
Published Nov 12, 2009

Photo: http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/care-for-aging-parent-2.jpg

Crappy Guests Suck

Dear Snarky Mom:

I hosted Thanksgiving Dinner today. One couple brought their 2yo girl. We'd ask if certain things were okay, like, is she okay on the stairs. The mother was getting defensive like it was unreasonable to ask if her child needs a booster. I wasn't making any statements on her development or intelligence.
~ Hostess with the Mostess

Dear Mostess:
Stop inviting bitches to dinner. I think this lady was pissed 'cause she was hoping her child would get hurt so she could sue you. Are you rich? Why else would she be offended by you making her child safe and comfortable? Either that or she totally didn't want to come to your house and she and her husband were just fighting about it before they arrived. She decided to be an embarrassing bitch as a way to get back at her husband. Don't knock it 'cause it totally works. Either way, you totally know who NOT to invite to dinner next year. I only invite blood relatives 'cause I can tell them to shut the fuck up when they start to be bitchy. And then I can make them babysit while I sleep in.

AwkardFamilyPhotos.com

Like A Sailor, I Tell Ya!

Dear Snarky Mom: I have the worst potty mouth. How can I stop cussing in front of my kids? They are starting to pick up on my bad habit.

~ Meg

Dear Meg:

Well fuck, Meg, kudos on the inventive name. You are definitely going to have to get a bit more creative if you want to be able to take your kids out of the house. I, myself, have quite the "potty mouth." People have suggested snapping myself with a rubber band or putting a quarter in a jar every time I cuss. The problem is that being snapped with a rubber band totally makes me cuss more, and I am forever raiding my son's piggy bank for the parking meters at the airport. The best way to teach yourself to quit cussing is to hear the shit come out of your kids' mouths at their grandparent's house. But, that's not great parenting advice. Some of my friends have come up with words they can use as substitutes. This only works if the words are as fun to say as the cuss words. One friend actually says, "That's a cuss word." I like to say "bulbous" or "egad." Also try saying a regular words in a cartoon villian's voice. That probably won't work, but it would be funny as hell to hear.

Photo: http://www.profilebrand.com/imgs/layouts/11artistic/876/876_L-sexy-sailor-women.jpg

Happy Thanksgiving For Everyone Else

Dear Snarky Mom:

Every year I host the Thanksgiving feast for my extended family. I have 20 people who show up off and on throughout the day, and most of them are from out of town. That's not even the problem. The problem is that they all show up with empty hands and requests. One wants a South Beach Diet stuffing. Another wants an extra sweet potato casserole. Another wants a pecan pie. How do I send the message, kindly, that just because they drove from far away doesn't make me their servant? ~Exhausted in Nevada

Dear Exhausted:

You need to get over being kindly. You need to practice saying, "I'm not your bitch," in the mirror. So what if they come in from far away? They don't have kitchens and coolers? I certainly hoping that you charge a cover. How's this: They either bring something or give $50 per couple. Make it $100 of their punk-ass brats show up, too. And none of the "I picked up a pie at the Wal-Mart bakery, so when is the turkey going to be done" crap. You can take care of the turkey 'cause that would suck if it was reheated after an 8 hour car ride. Everyone else's ass better have a casserole dish in their hands when they arrive. Or a big tub from Bojangles. And none of this "off and on" crap. Dinner is served at 5. Get your asses here at 3pm (no earlier 'cause that's annoying) and watch your shit 'cause I'm not sitting in the kitchen making sure the marshmallows don't burn. Or whatever people in Nevada put on their sweet potatoes. I host the meal, but after that first Thanksgiving everyone was taking a nap while I was in the kitchen . . . well, let's just say that 'you snooze you lose.' I also refuse to clean the house anymore. You get clean sheets on the guest bed (or so you think . . . Grandma doesn't sweat that much and she was just here 2 nights). Otherwise, let's hope the dog hasn't eaten the Roomba cord again.

Photo: AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com

Top Photo: http://imagecache5.art.com/p/LRG/27/2713/7DHND00Z/joseph-leyendecker-baby-chef-and-turkey-c-1922.jpg

America's Babysitter

Dear Snarky Mom:

My husband and I try very hard to give each other breaks from our 2 yo. The issue is that when my husband's turn comes, he chooses to just turn on the TV THE WHOLE TIME. I see it having an effect more and more as my son asks to watch TV all the time now instead of going outside, reading, playing, or craft time. I NEED my time alone so I don't want to tell my husband how to spend time with his son, but how do I get him to do something more productive or fun without getting in his face about it? ~Boob Tube in Brooklyn

Dear Boob:

This is an issue that we've dealt with in our house, too. Or at least it was until I started taking Xanax. Lucky for you, there are a couple of ways to deal with this issue. Unlucky for you, you are going to have to get the hell over something. Sometimes I would love my husband to be the male version of me, too, but then I realize that we would never have any food to eat or clean laundry. Did you know that there are some husbands that take absolutely no responsibility for their children at all? Yeah, I'm not sure why those wives are still putting out, either. I once knew a woman whose husband saw their child about 30 minutes a day at the breakfast table. I had to stop being friends with her 'cause I can't respect a woman whose husband sits in his man-cave all evening or has hobbies. That's dumb. Hobbies are things single men without children have. If he has that much time on his hands, he needs to get a second job so that he can buy me more diamonds . . . but I digress.

Men bond differently than women. Yeah, shock of all shocks. They bond by DOING and PARTICIPATING in things together. Apparently, to the male brain, watching TV is participating in something. So the question is, is he parking the tot in front of Spongebob while he works on his fantasy football team (or whatever men do on the internet that isn't related to porn 'cause if he's surfing for porn while watching your kid you got other problems)? Or is he rooting for the team? Determine this before deciding what you need to get over.

There was an article in a Parent's magazine about gatekeeper moms. I didn't read it 'cause it was really long, but the words in the big bubbles basically said that some moms are so controlling of their kids that even their husbands can't have a relationship without their interference. The dads get criticized for not being a dad in the right way and then they just give up and don't try. You run this risk if you start harping on him to be productive with his time. And then you get no personal time and end up beating your husband with a shovel and your neighbors have to deal with the horrible smell. No one wins. Your kid is going to beg to watch TV anyways. That's what they do. At least this way you're getting to wander Wal-Mart in your housecoat all by yourself.

If you decide that the TV time is a total deal breaker, I wouldn't suggest sitting him down for a discussion about it. That is totally the mature thing to do, and most husbands resent mature conversations. Or at least mine does. He says he always ends up with a list of more shit he needs to do. Here is what I do to give myself more time alone: While your husband is taking his post-work dump, promise your kid that Daddy will [insert productive task here] when he gets out of the john. Make sure your kid TOTALLY wants to do this thing. Hopefully, your husband will feel too guilty looking into his little pleading eyes to deny him. And then you get your bubble bath while you catch up on the Kardashians.

Photo: http://www.zazzle.com/daddy_needs_a_time_out_tshirt-235079704583466670

Everyone Has Peed Their Pants

Dear Snarky Mom:

My 4yo son has recently begun to wet his pants. It usually happens when we are out in public, or when he is in his room playing by himself. It really makes me mad when he does this, and its so embarrassing to have to run to a restroom to change his clothes. Help!

~Peed Off in Pittsburgh

Dear Peed Off:

Everyone wets their pants at some time. Hell, my mother pees her pants if she sneezes hard. A good friend of mine can't jump on the trampoline at the gym 'cause she'll totally flood the mat. Stop taking it personal. Unless it totally is, and then take him to a therapist 'cause I ain't qualified. Most likely, your kid is totally peeing himself because he's too busy to realize he has to go. It happens to me all the time, but I'm a grown woman with a huge bladder. Also, I've found out that wetting your pants is alot harder after decades of trying not to. But that is totally a separate blog entry. (Elizabeth Hasselbeck is a liar. Diapers will NOT work in a pinch if you can't find a bathroom on a long car trip.) The more you harp on your kid about wetting his pants, the more likely he is to do it. I don't know why this is true, but it is. But, this is an advice column, so here is the advice. Be proactive. If your kid just sucked down a sippy cup of apple juice on the way to Wal-Mart, take him to the potty before you get lost in the clearance aisle. He can't pee what he doesn't have. Set a frigging timer at home. It totally didn't work for my kid, but my friends swear by it. Of course, my kid is really freaking stubborn. But he didn't pee his pants. He'd just hold it for an extra minute or two and then decide to go. Its like he didn't like the timer telling him what to do. If you knew him, you'd totally see that in him. Also, try telling him that he only gets one pair of pants a day, and no one likes to smell stale pee. It totally worked for a friend of mine when her 4yo started to wet his pants. Its like that totally made sense to him and so he didn't pee his pants anymore. See? You just gotta make a bunch of shit up until something works. Oh, and pack extra clothes till he decides to stop doing it.

Photo: www.rarebirdfinds.typepad.com

Did You Say Free?

Dear Snarky Mom:

I'm having a problem with my mother-in-law. She has agreed to keep my 2yo son during the day while I am at work. The issue is that my son has had to go through extensive occupational therapy as he refuses to eat. My MIL doesn't respect my concerns and won't feed him if he says he's not hungry (which is every time you ask). Although I am concerned that he isn't even on the percentile charts, I'm most concerned that he is 12 months behind in height and weight. How can I make her see that she HAS to make him sit down to lunch?

~Worried in Arkansas

Dear Worried:

Of course your MIL doesn't respect your concerns. That's how they get back at us for stealing their precious sons from them. If she did respect your concerns, I'd tell you that that nauseated feeling in your stomach isn't worry, but slow arsenic poisoning. You basically have a couple of options here. Let's explore option #1. Stop mooching off of her and pay someone that will feed your kid. Yeah, I know. Daycare is expensive. I, however, would rather pluck out my right eye than give my MIL the satisfaction of doing me a favor. Those teddy bear cams seem pretty cool, but I wouldn't know 'cause I love my kid enough to stay at home with him. Haha. Just kidding. I just hate to work and this was the best excuse I could come up with. Option #2: Guilt her into doing what you want. It helps if you teach your child to say mean things to her. Like, "Why don't you love me, Grammy, and want me to be healthy?" This totally doesn't work if the kid can't be trained to NOT say it in front of your husband. Believe me, my son once told my husband, "Nanna is the Devil." Oooooops. Of course, this will bite you in the ass when your kid has to go to therapy. Or if you are really in a bind and need a date night with the hubby and can't find a babysitter. Option #3: Educate her to death. Make her go with you to the doctor's office and let the doctor explain how not eating is putting him at risk for serious illness and developmental delay. Make her go to occupational therapist and have her explain to the OT why she feels its okay to skip meals daily when he's a year behind in height and weight. Then, smile smugly. She's going to assume that she knows it all and that you are a paranoid freak (aka, a DIL) unless someone else that she respects can make her feel like a total douche. And if that doesn't work, its back to option #1.

PS- It could totally be worse.

Photo: www.peopleofwalmart.com

Pocahontas Would Be So Proud

Dear Snarky Mom:

My 4 year old is obsessed with Indians. The other day she heard my nephew say that Indians don't have facial hair. The next day, she snuck a pair of her grandfather's nose hair clippers and shaved off her eyebrows. She looks like a crazed alien. Help!

~ Mary Kay's Nightmare

Dear MKN:

First of all, repeat after me. Native Americans. Okay. Now, let's tackle problem #2. Your daughter is awesome. Her level of commitment to a goal is amazing, and it will take her far in life. Unless she keeps shaving off her eyebrows. Then people are going to avoid her and she won't get anywhere. Give her a long talk about NOT cutting hair of any kind on any thing, and that's about all you can do with her. Every little girl has had to hear that speech. I know because my Barbies never did grow their hair back. It sucked playing with Sinead O'Connor 'cause my parents were poor and Sinead wasn't cool yet. Try google-ing pictures of Pocahontas and show her that she indeed had eyebrows. That's what I have to do with my 3yo 'cause he must SEE it to believe it. You can't tell that kid nuth'n, as my grandmother would say. Problem #3. Your family is totally cramping your style. Tell them that they aren't allowed to speak unless they can make sure they aren't giving her any stupid ideas. Tell them that "little pitchers have big ears" or whatever folksy ass thing you gotta say in order to make sure they understand that kids will do stupid shit because they don't understand that facial hair is a big word for a beard. Problem #4. Tell Grandpa that, unless he wants his nose to look like Andy Rooney's eyebrows, he needs to keep his shit locked up. Kids are ingenious when figuring out how to break into things. Give him the "Mommy" look and tell him that it could have been his nitroglycerine pills she got ahold of and wouldn't it be so sad if you had to beat him with a shovel 'cause she got poisoned. And then take lots of pictures of your beautiful, eyebrowless angel. 'Cause she's awesome.

Photo: http://www.freewebs.com/thedisneyclassics/pocahontas4.jpg

Stop Messing With People's Husbands

Dear Snarky Mom:

I am a married mother of 2. My husband is a total shit. He doesn't help with the kids or the house. I met another man recently, but he is also married. He's miserable in his marriage, too. Should I explore my feelings for this man? I want so badly to be happy.

~ Desperate Housewife in Rural NC

Dear Desperate:

Stop fucking with people's husbands. If I believed in hell, I'd totally think you were going there. You are unhappy in your marriage? Get counseling or get divorced or just get over yourself. No one promised you a rose garden, as they say. You've got 2 kids with this dude. Either appreciate him again or not. Whatever. But speaking for wives everywhere, stay away from our husbands, bitch. Give old dude's wife a chance to work on her marriage. Do you think the total douche that is cheating (or considering cheating) on his wife is going to be better than the father of your kids? Ummmm, I think not. I would recite to you the incredibly low statistics on successful marriages that come from infidelity except that is totally not the point. And not as easy to find on google as you would think. And you'd probably just say some dumb shit about how you are going to be the 2%. Think of your kids. Do it right. Leave your lazy ass husband and prove to yourself that you can be an independent, strong woman who can handle her business. Then find yourself a single man that is ready for a relationship. Oh, and keep your mitts off our damn husbands, home wrecker.

Photo: http://gadgets.boingboing.net/gimages/homewrecker.jpg

Maybe He Cain't Read None

This isn't in response to a question. This is in response to a grown-ass man my husband saw at the Wal-Mart and the two lovely ladies with him.

Okay, so my husband sees this dude in Wal-Mart wearing a "Fuck Bitches, Get Money" t-shirt.

I shit you not. I totally would've both sent his pic to People of Wal-Mart and accosted him for his misogyny had I seen it. Which is probably why my husband didn't tell me until we got to the car. He can be such a pussy sometimes. I mean, what's one little confrontation in the Wal-Mart? Geez. (On a side note, my husband claims he would have said something if our son was old enough to read. Yeah, right. Whatever. However, this rant is for another blog at another time. I guess I do always tell him that there can't be two bitches in a marriage and I called dibs.)

So, my problem is that somewhere this man has a mother. I'm assuming he didn't hatch. Furthermore, these women have mothers, too. And this is totally their fault. Granted, I'm not into all that psychoanalytic bullshit about blaming mothers for everything. But, come on. Who else can you blame for shit like this? I'm pretty sure it was Talib Kweli (or Mos Def, whatever, I never get to listen to grown up music anymore) that said, "Never disrespect women 'cause I love my Momma."

What possessed this grown man to purchase said t-shirt? What possessed this man to wear it into a store at which my son and tons of other impressionable children could see it? His mother didn't teach him better. Let's just say for shits and giggles that this man had a wonderful mother. Maybe he can't read and picked the shirt out because he thought the colors were flattering. Maybe.

How, in the ever loving universe, does this guy get two women to walk around the store with him? LOW-FRIGGIN-SELF-ESTEEM. I know the public education system ain't what it used to be, but I am assuming one of the two nitwits can at least read the words "Fuck" and "Bitch." This means that these women are perfectly fine with showing their support of his misogyny. Which is nauseating. I don't have a daughter, but I have friends that have them. Their biggest complaint? Finding clothing for their children that doesn't make them look like prostitots. Why are all the clothing tight, restrictive, and short? Why do so many minor children walk around with shit written across their asses? 'Cause their Mommas gave up.

(See? Her mother gave up. And now she's on the internet. Well, her ass is anyways. )

Stop giving up. Tell your daughters to dress like they have a bit of sense. Tell your daughters that any man that wears a t-shirt calling you a bitch is a sad, sad man. Tell them that there are men out there, like my husband, that love strong, independent women. Tell them that they deserve respect. And then go find the Wal-Mart security guard.

Top Photo: http://nycitygurl.wordpress.com/2008/07/10/the-bureau-t-shirt-of-the-day/

Bottom Photo: www.peopleofwalmart.com

Helen Keller Is A Hero

Dear Snarky Mom:

My child has some mild developmental delays, and his behavior can border on horrid. I'm so scared of how he'll act that I never take him anywhere. What can I do?

~ Embarassed in Ohio

Dear Embarassed:

Stop being embarrassed. He's your kid, for Christ's sake, and its your job to make him into a well-adjusted human being. Every kid has their issues. Mine has an attitude that won't quit. He gets it honest. No matter how delayed he is, your kid'll grow up to be good at something. I would say something trite about how Einstein failed math, but I've heard that's an urban legend, so I won't. Basically, your kid will grow up to invent some shit or sing like that gay kid on Glee or something. Get the kid out in the world and make his punk ass listen. Don't apologize for the shit, either. Get him into a play group and tell the other moms about his delays. There is nothing people like better than feeling good about themselves. Even if your kid knocks a hole in the wall, they'll all pat themselves on the back for being so understanding. Our first day at a play group was a disaster. My son ran at full speed around the damned Kindermusik circle the entire time. Even the annoying KM lady couldn't get him to stop. Dude, I was soooooo embarrassed. But, we went back and he learned how to act like a human. THANKFULLY. And think of it this way, even Helen Keller's punk ass learned to act like a lady. Bet your kid isn't deaf and blind. See? Even I can end something on a positive note.

Photo: http://hearingelmo.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/usakeller2.jpg

Hippy Sadist Bitches

Dear Snarky Mom: How painful is giving birth really? Is it as bad as people say? What's the most painful part? I've heard contractions are worse than pushing the baby out of your...you know. ~ Pregnant & Scared

Dear P&S: First of all, if you are going to parent a child, you'd better be mature enough to say vagina. I'll also accept coochie, but I'll totally mock you if you say vajayjay. How painful is giving birth? Well, that depends on a couple of things. Smart women feel almost no pain at all. Its called an epidural. Hippies and sadists will try to convince you that you shouldn't have one. They hate you. Sure, there are risks to an epidural. No more than throwing yourself out of a window to stop the pain. Which is pretty much what you are going to want to do if you don't get one. Here is a word to the wise: as you are walking into the hospital, start yelling for

your epidural. A hippy sadist talked me into "experiencing" childbirth before my epidural. Even though I had always wanted to experience as little of the process as possible, the hormone induced insanity and total lack of sleep made me fall for this voodoo crap. Oh yeah, I experienced it. I felt like I was about to shit my colon out of my body while a bunch of evil spirits stabbed me over and over with hot pokers. It sucked. ALOT. By the time I realized what a stupid idea it was, and that the hippy had tricked me, the anesthesiologist was called into surgery. I had to straddle a goddamn excercise ball while screaming at my husband to knock me unconscious with a piece of furniture until the doctor was available. It sucked. Let's just say that that hippy bitch child birth instructor better pray she nevers finds herself alone with me in a deserted alley.

Does she LOOK happy?

Top Photo: www.naturesplatform.com

Bottom Photo: www.jewishsightseeing.com

It Takes A Village

Dear Snarky Mom:

Every time I go to a playgroup, this one mom is always harping on my daughter. How do I get her to stop bossing my kid around?

~ Jenny

Dear Jenny:

There are two issues here. Either she's a bitch or your kid is a brat. Or maybe both. Since you can only control yourself, let's take option #2 first. Remember last playgroup when your kid kept taking other kids' toys and hitting them repeatedly with it? Remember when your kid dumped that big bucket of water onto the host? Remember when your kid taught all the other children how to cuss like a sailor? You dont? I bet she does. Ask yourself if your little angel is doing any of these things: a) climbing on stuff, b) destroying stuff, c) terrorizing other children, d) screaming like a banshee. If so, stop being a total pussy. Make your kid behave. Sit on the floor and show your kid how to play with others. Make her share. Take her out of the room until she can calm down. Don't give me any crap about not being able to get back up off the floor. Bring a stool. Stop screaming at your kid from across the room. No one wants to hear that, and its not the least bit effective. If the lady is merely just a bitch, stop going to her playdates. She doesn't want you there either.

Photo: http://www.bluefootstudios.com/images/illustration/moms.jpg

What's Classier Than Rhinestones?

Dear Snarky Mom:

My in-laws are insisting that our family attend a very stuffy and formal wedding out of town. The invitation requests that the ladies wear hats and the men wear formal evening wear. I have a 2 year old son, and no one to watch him. How do I tell my in-laws that I can't afford a stupid formal outfit for a 2 year old? How can I ask them to pay for it without compromising my dignity?

~Casual in Kansas

Dear Casual:

First of all, you must practice the mantra, "There is no shame in my game." Your in-laws are so totally smoking crack if they think that taking a 2 year old to a formal wedding is going to be anything other than a total fiasco. That said, if you must attend to avoid being banished forever, I suggest complaining. Alot. Complaining is so totally looked down upon in our culture, but it is effective. Forget your dignity. Remember when you had to spread your legs for a doctor and a whole bunch of strange nurses? That was the last you'll ever see of your dignity. Plus, I hate to tell you, but you probably pooped in front of them while pushing out your amazing gift from God. It's so true. So, let's look at this from a snarky perspective. If they want your kid to wear a formal outfit that will never see the light of day again? Let them pay for it. Sure, let the MIL pick out the outfit. Let her reach for the AmEx. Then take it home and bedazzle the fuck out of it. That'll teach her to guilt trip you into driving out of town to attend a wedding that requires you to purchase new clothes. I bet she won't ask you to do it again. And your 2yo will be head-over-heels with his new suit. He'll want to wear it everywhere. And you totally should let him. Tell yourself that you are allowing him to express himself. Take lots of pictures. You'll be getting a lifetime of chuckles, and it'll totally boost his little self-esteem. Until he's a teenager. Then its great for a bribe. Win-Win-Win.

Rhinestone Jacket ala Tool Academy

Sometimes Foods Are Really Annoying

Dear Snarky Mom:
My kid is always asking me for junk food. I try to keep a kitchen full of fruits and veggies, but its a constant battle. How do I get him to eat healthy foods? ~Fiber Mom

Dear Fiber Mom:
I totally get that, really, I do. I'm personally a fan of junk food, and my son has inherited my penchant for tastiness. I'm pretty sure that there isn't a kid out there that wouldn't live on goldfish and suckers if allowed. I get sick and tired of being pestered for crap, too. Here's what you do. Anytime he asks for crap, give him a long lecture about sometimes foods and anytime foods. Stretch it out. Provide examples. If you can, describe the food pyramid. Once his eyes glaze over, you can stop. Then offer him snacks any mom can be proud of. Repeat everytime he requests crap. Pretty soon he'll stop asking for crap because he doesn't want to hear the boring lecture. He'll just ask for good food. Only give him crap when he doesn't ask for it or you need an ace in the hole.

You Had To Write Family Circle?

Okay, so I get Family Circle magazine free 'cause I paid about $2 for Parent's. I didn't get it for its riveting content. I must say, though, I'm totally loving "Rosalind" from "Ask Rosalind." She totally wants to be me, but can't be 'cause she wants to make money.

The question to Rosalind in the October 17th issue is basically from a pussy mom whose 13yo "gets furious" when she makes her turn off her cell phone and stop texting. The enabler wants to know, "Should I set limits anyways?" Rosalind basically tells her to be the parent and give her some resources for setting limits through the telephone company. Here is my advice to the mother:

Dear Spineless:

Are you kidding me? Absolutely not! Limits are only for kids whose parents want them to be well adjusted and contributing members of society. Your child is already 13, and therefore, almost certainly on the path to a life of home wrecking, illegitimate children, and (most likely) some sort of addiction. Why teach your child about limits? She's never going to have to learn appropriate social behavior. I mean, she's totally going to be able to get that law degree and work a career without any knowledge of delayed gratification. And we know all about those children that have to earn their privileges. Totally unhappy. I mean, she's always going to go through life on her own terms, right? And making sure she's happy with you 100% of the time is the best way to show her that you love her. She'll be so thankful for your friendship when she cannot maintain a relationship or keep a job because of her constant hissy fits. If she makes it that far. Hope this helps!

And the advice would be?

Oh yeah, I totally forgot to add how I handled the situation mentioned below. So, here we go:

Dear Me:
When your kid made it clear that he felt the old lady at church is a total Pat, how did you handle it?

Me:
I cringed and mumbled something apologetic to the shim. Once I had him alone, I totally told him that the chick is a chick. He argued. He's 3. It's normal for him to have strict gender ideas. That's developmentally appropriate. However, to avoid further embarrassment, I explained that if he ever felt like he didn't know if someone is a boy or a girl, he should ask me in private IN A QUIET VOICE. We talk ALOT about private. We also talk ALOT about quiet voices. He's gotta learn. In the car, we made a list of all the women we know with short hair, women Monster Truck drivers, etc. That's all you can do.

In the Beginning . . .

Good morning, readers! Your kids are brats. Well, not all of them. Some of them are just being kids and that's totally okay. My kid embarrasses me publicly about once a week. Last week he asked a woman (with short hair and excess facial hair) why she was carrying a pocketbook since she is a boy. That's not brattiness. That's a good question. He is a naturally inquistive spirit. I kind of thought the lady was a dude, too. I've just been trained not to say shit like that. He's still in training.

There isn't a thin line between brattiness and kiddishness. Its a broad, large, dark line. If you don't know that, your kid is probably a brat. When you are coming over to people's houses, they lock up their good shit and steel themselves mentally.

Do you want your kid to be dreaded? Oh, and its totally not the kid's fault people use him as a cautionary tale. Its your fault. Stop screwing him or her up. Don't be that parent that is on TV in 20 years wondering where you went wrong and why your kid committed that horrible crime against humanity. Or you'll end up raising your bratty grandkids. Karma is a bitch.

Photo: http://watchmojo.com/blogs/images/kid-dunce-hat.jpg