Hippy Sadist Bitches

Dear Snarky Mom: How painful is giving birth really? Is it as bad as people say? What's the most painful part? I've heard contractions are worse than pushing the baby out of your...you know. ~ Pregnant & Scared

Dear P&S: First of all, if you are going to parent a child, you'd better be mature enough to say vagina. I'll also accept coochie, but I'll totally mock you if you say vajayjay. How painful is giving birth? Well, that depends on a couple of things. Smart women feel almost no pain at all. Its called an epidural. Hippies and sadists will try to convince you that you shouldn't have one. They hate you. Sure, there are risks to an epidural. No more than throwing yourself out of a window to stop the pain. Which is pretty much what you are going to want to do if you don't get one. Here is a word to the wise: as you are walking into the hospital, start yelling for

your epidural. A hippy sadist talked me into "experiencing" childbirth before my epidural. Even though I had always wanted to experience as little of the process as possible, the hormone induced insanity and total lack of sleep made me fall for this voodoo crap. Oh yeah, I experienced it. I felt like I was about to shit my colon out of my body while a bunch of evil spirits stabbed me over and over with hot pokers. It sucked. ALOT. By the time I realized what a stupid idea it was, and that the hippy had tricked me, the anesthesiologist was called into surgery. I had to straddle a goddamn excercise ball while screaming at my husband to knock me unconscious with a piece of furniture until the doctor was available. It sucked. Let's just say that that hippy bitch child birth instructor better pray she nevers finds herself alone with me in a deserted alley.

Does she LOOK happy?

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