Helen Keller Is A Hero

Dear Snarky Mom:

My child has some mild developmental delays, and his behavior can border on horrid. I'm so scared of how he'll act that I never take him anywhere. What can I do?

~ Embarassed in Ohio

Dear Embarassed:

Stop being embarrassed. He's your kid, for Christ's sake, and its your job to make him into a well-adjusted human being. Every kid has their issues. Mine has an attitude that won't quit. He gets it honest. No matter how delayed he is, your kid'll grow up to be good at something. I would say something trite about how Einstein failed math, but I've heard that's an urban legend, so I won't. Basically, your kid will grow up to invent some shit or sing like that gay kid on Glee or something. Get the kid out in the world and make his punk ass listen. Don't apologize for the shit, either. Get him into a play group and tell the other moms about his delays. There is nothing people like better than feeling good about themselves. Even if your kid knocks a hole in the wall, they'll all pat themselves on the back for being so understanding. Our first day at a play group was a disaster. My son ran at full speed around the damned Kindermusik circle the entire time. Even the annoying KM lady couldn't get him to stop. Dude, I was soooooo embarrassed. But, we went back and he learned how to act like a human. THANKFULLY. And think of it this way, even Helen Keller's punk ass learned to act like a lady. Bet your kid isn't deaf and blind. See? Even I can end something on a positive note.

Photo: http://hearingelmo.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/usakeller2.jpg